Game 9 Summer 6’s 2016
The Porks v Cobber Johns
Field 2 @ 7pm
Finals 8th December
Tonight’s Finals match was assigned to the hallowed turf that is Bangalow Sporting Pavilion Field no.2. The MCG eat ya heart out.
Our opposition were also in a Pink playing strip possibly trying to put us off our game. We saw it as Imitation being the sincerest form of Flattery.
It was definitely the Battle of two Pinks that would’ve made the Glenn McGrath Foundation very proud (sorry no affiliation) ! Porks are Pink so I grabbed green singlet tops from the canteen & handed them to a very co-operative Cobber Johns team whom I must say looked splendid in green singlets over pink jerseys.
We had Babe leading our cheer squad together with many of our wives who’d played an exciting game just before us. The Pork Rotisserie was looking healthier than the 4 previous weeks with 3 Subs & BackHeel coming from work near Brisbane -surely the “Men in Blue” would give him a Police escort to our game !?
With WildBoar & HusseyHof out ,we were in need of fresh Pork blood in goals. Being Goal Keeper wasn’t a position easily filled. So once again the Pork Lord became our saviour -he rose above this “team of Hogs” & took on the vacant Keepers role.
We kicked off running from North to South with a slight breeze supporting us. Not surprisingly we found out early that Cobber Johns were not new to the round ball game easily swiping possession & firing at close range. Our Lord was up to the task.
From our first two goal kicks the Pork Lord’s knowledge of the Do’s & Don’ts of the Keepers role were tested. It wasn’t long afterwards that his athletic ability was under pressure again with a well directed powerful shot rifled about shin height. The Pork Lords reaction time was impeccable, leopard pig like, incredibly swift & “right on the money”, no fumbling. We knew then that this Half Pig Half Man Pork Lord was safe in goals.
In the oppositions danger zone Slash Ace got the better of a Cobber Johns possession scramble & whipped out a shot at goals. Now Soccer/Football is generally not referred to as a game of Inches but with regards to Aces shot then yes we’ll say it is. The ball swung & hit the left upright but deflected out. If only the Posts were sitting a couple inches left then the ball woulda clipped the inside post & gone in !!! But it wasn’t to be.
The Sultan took aim & shot at goals but it was blocked by Cobber Johns backside.
The Thief was in fine form using his reliable head & sturdy physique to win the contest for the ball when challenged. Slash Ace DHSniper received the ball again up near the sideline but could’ve brought it much closer to goals. No Cobbers were in cooeeee of him but no Porks yelled that information to him. His shot went wide this time.
Piggy Bancks was safe as a Piggy Bank in defence & you could hear the Pork Passion flowing from Bancksy’s voice while waiting on the Subs Rotisserie. Honey Baked Ham had been sorely missed of late & his tradesman like performances were again on show-he was the “everywhere Pork” digging in & giving em’ heaps just like the Bearded Pig of Borneo.
In a 1981 Slim Dusty’s song – he wrote
“I love to have a beer with Duncan / I love to have a beer with Dunc. / We drink in moderation / And we never ever ever get rollin’ drunk… ” – But the way DuncHam played tonight we could very well get Rollin’ Drunk. Duncham was solid as ever & his “throw ins” perfectly taken.
BackHeel finally arrived to be “ringside” & ready for action. It’d been a hectic, tough first half of soccer. The Porks had done exceptionally well to keep an even scoreline as the Cobber Johns were a talented bunch. Just as we thought we’d done enough to go to the break & celebrate a nil-all scoreline, the Cobber Johns stepped it up a notch and scored. It was a painful goal to have let in as it was just 10 secs from the halftime break.
1-0 Cobber Johns.
We had a positive tactical chat about our game plans that lasted 20seconds- Coach Mick was exhausted.
Cobber Johns came out firing with a definite game plan because within seconds of their kick-off they had a shot at goals. Then soon again using the wind they had another crack at scoring but missed.
Brains – The first Goal scorer of the whole Summer 6’s this season due to his 7 secs wonder-strike again broke free & blazed a trail up the left flank. Little did he know because none of us told him ( & being called “Brains” doesn’t mean you’ve got eyes in the back of your head ) that the opposition were in another postcode & therefore had enough time to drag the ball a whole lot closer to bamboozle their keeper. Unfortunately Brains rushed his shot & it was saved.
In another moment of attacking madness The Sultan was able to swing away of would-be tacklers & with only 1 defender plus the Keeper to beat I decided to have a crack at goals. It came off my trotter sweetly & flew like a rocket, straight into the top right corner,Well, no it didn’t ……., but it would’ve had it gone off to the left by 20cm. I stood like a Pork statue disappointingly watching the ball fly miles out of the stadium.
A week earlier Craig The-If was outta action due to a bulging disc in his back. But now with Bionic implants the nearly 6 million dollar man was inspired by the Pork Lords overhead scissor kick & so The-If decided to get some attention of his own by trying his version of it from 10 metres out which was achieved easily & on target but was safely taken by their keeper. The degree of difficultly was a few shades lighter than the Lords but The-If’s applause was long & loud, he definitely got some credits after that impressive aerial display & he was not concussed. Will someone else try an Overhead Scissor Kick next game ?
In another Porks raid Slash impersonated BackHeel by using his heel to try to score but the keeper had it covered-just !
Kevin bloody Bacon, luckily for us was a mere shadow of his former self. He wasn’t wandering around hallucinating on “The Field of Dreams” but at times it did seem like he was from a Mission not on a mission. At least he wasn’t getting in his team-mates way. He knew his way around the paddock but that may’ve been the Pork flashbacks of the final game of last season on this very same field when he scored 2 magnificent goals. While tonight he didn’t score he looked fit enough to dance because he had “Moves Like Jagger” though it may’ve helped us more if he had skills like “Maradona” & not the fat old “Peruvian dancing dust” loving Maradona but the younger Argentinian soccer freak version. Anyway Pork wishes are free on The Field of Dreams.
Piggy Bancks busted out his usual barging running style knocking over players as he went. From the halfway line he began & eventually got tangled up with their keeper & somehow miraculously produced a shot from 5 feet out which hit the crossbar & bounced back onto his head-it looked rehearsed.Unfortunately this time the ball flew over the crossbar & out.
In another skillful move up into Porks territory the Cobber Johns laid the foundations for some creativity that basically defied Porks soccer logic. They used their speed,skill and team mates to score – making it 2-0.
In another instance -survival mode was needed by our keeper The Pork Lord as he was steam rolled by their large forward. Our Lord rose again & continued his impressive toe punting goal kicks. A Cobber Johns player scored their 3rd goal purely from classy individual play, speedily weaving through a few Porks defenders then belting the “leather” like it deserved it ,it took a feint layer of paint off my outstretched trotter studs as it zoomed straight into our goals- even the great Pork Lord was left stranded.
3-0 Cobber Johns.
The “ball snicko-metre” registered the shaving off my studs on it trajectory to goals so it’ll go down as an own goal much to the dismay of the Cobber Johns player.
From our goalmouth the Pork Lord saw Slash pushing upfield towards Cobber Johns danger-zone so he decided he’d call upon his Under 13’s 1500m National Champion (fact) speed to motor up past BackHeel who was also there in support. It was now a case of 3 on 1 but regrettably Slash didn’t know who BackHeel was nor did he see the dashing Pork Lord, so the pass was not forthcoming. Cobber Johns then magically turned defence into attack & the race was on for Pork Lord to retreat back into our goals. All Porks defenders saw the fragility of our fortress & quickly sealed the entrance like the Little Pig shutting out the big bad Wolf from his brick house. Then yada yada yada ,blah blah blah and the Ref called time, Game Over.
Cobber Johns 3-0
It’s great that we’ve finally perfected the “throw in” without lifting our trotters off the ground or doing foul throws of any kind. Also our kickoffs are being done correctly-take a bow Porks it’s only taken 3 seasons. Once again tonight’s game was played in the bright Pink spirit & everyone was happy.
Afterwards we went on to enjoy the sights,sounds,scents & tastes our Sponsor the Bowlo had to offer until closing. The impromptu outdoor floor show was amazing.
That’s a Pork Wrap.