The Pork Report. 13th October
Game 1. V Bang Burger Bro’s. 6pm kick Off
The off season gave us all a chance to grow the short & curly’s, extend the length and girth in wanted and unwanted places only to have to taper down our non-fitness and fighting weights to get our body shapes and sizes ready for what will surely be another hugely successful year of The Pork !
Yes In the blink of a Pigs eye 10 months has passed & we’re once again donning the saggy pinks & truffle boots for the 3rd straight season or at least until our misused sponsorship money runs out. It’s probably the only thing that’s run in the hectic off season.
While we’ve enjoyed gaining some extra pounds & a few distinguished wrinkles we need to be ready because surely there’ll be 9 hungry teams wanting to sink their teeth into our bacon or at least chew the fat off our chunky hides out there on the field of dreams – The Bangalow Pavilion Sporting Arena. We will be ready for them but that’s not a statement of how we’ll perform.
Just Saying ……We’ve already had a win ( which is more than we did last year – a last game draw was all we could muster ).
This stylish Win came in the shape of 1st Team Registered for this 2016 Summer 6’s Series ! Well done and thanks to team HusseyHof -you know who you are ! Congratulations Porks. A sign of victories to come – maybe…..?
The Porks Off-Season Player Transfer window was open wide and long, ( but nothing like the 3 windows we used to see in the kids TV show PlaySchool ) and we had numerous offers from World class players – none other than Porknaldo from Spanish League giants Real Madrid and Lionel VeryMessi from Barcelona. Yes we possibly could’ve used these high calibre players up front in our attacking formation but Porks management decided against spending our Beer n BBQ money purely on them. We understand how upset both players were about being knocked back by the Porks and from all reports we’ve once again heard that Kleenex Tissue companies are now the major sleeve sponsors of both players.
We went through the correct channels and used all forms of communication to get to both players via courier pigeon,postal letter, fax, telegram, fat-a-gram, 350 a gram, email, Instagram,Twitter, Bookface, but understandably nothing could ease their pain. Speaking of pain and back to the transfer window, we lost our equal goal scoring machine ( 3 goals ) from last year to a broken collarbone -Mat “Kevin (bloody)Bacon” Morris. He has put aside his disappointment of missing this season and made way for Pork Brother Tristan Piggy Bancks who I’m sure will stop more goals against us than we as a team scored last season. Welcome again Piggy Bancks.
The Off-Season also brought podium finishes on 2 occasions ( twice 2nd & a 4th for The Porks off Season purchase of a Racehorse called “PigHorse” !
Yes PigHorse has already out performed it’s thus far under achieving owners after just 3 starts. At least it’s paying for our kids school fees and covering our eating habits off field ! Go PigHorse Go ! It’s all 3rd party payment contract agreements so no need for those money hungry business men at FIFA to get involved -yet.
As Kick Off starting time approached a very important parcel arrived at field no.7 containing The Porks new playing strip – Jerseys and shorts. It was all organised by the Brains in the team Isaac Brains Brandon. Thanks Brains. What striking taste in colour you have, what stand out precision in shorts you have, no indecision between sizes here and what about the presentation of our playing kit that was meant to be ?!
We were all honoured to be throwing on the royal Pinks and in the end no one could wait to be presented- it was just a mad scramble “first in best dressed” type scenario – like Pigs to the Trough kinda mentality.
Even our injured players from last season received their playing gear.
After a 10 minute warm up kick around session it was game time.
Six Pork soldiers marched into the playing field ready for action.
The whistle blew for the start of the 2016 season.
Shane Honey Baked Ham said to Brains – should we do the kick off. Brains said “shit yeah”. Honey Baked Ham then said “you never know we may never get another touch of the ball”. Honey Baked then said “lets do a one two”. Brains said “nah I’ll kick it to you then You kick it to Dan the Pork Man”. So that’s how it went. Then dan magically weaved the ball around two of their guys like they were standing still and passed it off to Craig The Thief ( theif ) Isaac-Brains was open and called out to him. He put the ball down field and it deflected off one of Junior Burgers players and appeared right at Brains’ trotters where he controlled the ball with expert timing. Time froze for everyone except Isaac, we were all willing him to blow the Pork crap outta the ball but very cooly and calmly like a seasoned professional striker of world class quality he caressed it with his left boot and managed to totally bamboozle their keeper- the ball went straight past his leg and into the net- he had no chance and Isaac Brains Brandon had his 1st GOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLL of his long and illustrious playing career also giving The Porks their 1st goal of the season and it only took a mere 7 Seconds ! It was amazingly quick, the ref had only just finished blowing his kick off whistle and before he knew it he was blowing the whistle awarding us a GOAL. Brains had nailed it so fast it was quicker than Usain Bolt sprinting over 100m !
Hell it was even 21 seconds quicker than Mal Meninga’s Political career ! Now that’s putting it into perspective.
Yes 7 Seconds, surely it’s a Summer 6’s world record ! The Porks went into Celebration mode Pork Truffle overdrive and what an instant hit overnight sensation Brains had just become. He was ready to hang up the boots right there & call the missus. So regardless of the outcome of this match he was now on the Porks superhero goal scoring list ! A fine effort by Brains that even had the chefs at the Bowlo scratching their heads in amazement. As for the Junior Burgers they were hiding or hanging their heads in shame.
As mentioned by Slash ( Ace
Double Hammy Sniper )
He said – “it’s like a scene out of Cocoon” after Zac scored his goal, obviously referring to the rejuvenated youthful look of a team in control.
As the game went on and the rain drops fell it made the ball pretty slippery but it didn’t hinder our “stand in” keeper Wild Boar Brent from keeping a clean sheet. He was very effective at blocking powerful shots and deflecting others. Quite a few times he had to make the quick decision to come outta goals and attack the ball and/or tackle the player. He looked comfortable and with the support of a trustworthy rotating Porks defensive line consisting of Back Heel Brett, Honey Baked Ham Shane, Dan the Pork Man, Tristan Piggy Bancks,Brains, Colin HusseyHof and The Sultan. We managed to keep a clean sheet in the first half. Up front Angus Pork Lord who’d driven down from work at Brissy just to play his role in the Porks team- ( he drove back to Brissy soon after the match- what commitment !!! Along side The Pork Lord was Slash Double Hammy sniper, and DuncHam who very nearly made it 2-0 with an ever so close shot at goal. It actually shaved the upright, only millimetres in it like a finely cut piece of MT. Warning Double Smoked Ham- Hhhmmmm yum. DuncHam let out a groan that could be heard in any B grade porn movie. He has a 5 year plan to score a goal & it nearly happened right there in his 3rd season.
The Bang Burger Bro’s ( Junior Burgers ) were extremely skillful players individually – all around the 16-17 yr old mark I’m guessing and they were quick too but seemed to lack some cohesion as a team. Yes the Porks defence was pretty good too as we thwarted many many raids up field and blocked plenty of shots on target with our fat arse thick pig hides.
After a couple of tactical suggestions made at the half time break by Coach Mick and The Sultan it was back into it. Wild Boar Brent was on the field and Slash was now our keeper.
The wind seemed to have picked up considerably and was favouring the Burgers. Many times their keeper came out onto the field to create an overlap or make an extra man. They rotated keepers and each of them used this tactic superbly and were all quite comfortable with the ball at their feet. Time and time again we stopped them short of shooting or we dispossessed them of the ball near our goalmouth.
A few times we mucked up our throw ins and plenty of times we unwittingly gave away free kicks to Junior Burgers-they were unable to capitalise on our mistakes. Then it did happen though it did take until three quarters of the way through the match with some individual brilliance. One of the Burgers took on a couple of us and pushed the ball sideways before belting it low, hard and cleanly past our defender and nutmegged ( kicked it between the opened legs of ) our goalkeeper who must’ve been unsighted. Our heads dropped only slightly and we battled on gamely to hold the scores level at 1-1 through to the closing minutes of the match. In the final minute of the match The Junior Burger Bro’s received yet another free kick and from which an altercation was millimetres away. A young fella decided it was ok to be cheeky and mouthed off a bit to Wild Boar and if the kid had any brains he woulda kept his tone down a bit as Wild Boar had the edge over him in the pugilist art form. Needless to say that the ref intervened just in time and both players were yellow carded & spent the final minute in the Bin ( sidelined ). The match was over soon thereafter and both teams happily shook hands. The Porks had “near winning smiles” on their faces and maybe the Junior Burgers had faces of disbelief in how they seemingly let a bunch of old Pigs spoil their night. DuncHam and myself chaired our new Leading Goal scoring freak off the field much to the cheering and applause of team mates and the many supporters of the Porks.
We were all smiles and our sponsorship beers tasted ever so good. The team banter stepped up a notch or two on the sideline and then into the night over at the Bowlo.
It was an outstanding team effort to come away with a much deserved 1 all draw against much much younger, faster & realistically more skilled players than us. But there you have it people, the Porks opened up their account with a Draw.
But before we headed over to the Bowlo a quick word from our young coach got quite outta hand.
10 year old Coach Mick was very happy with the result and effort shown by the Porks but bitterly disappointed with our discipline and the penalty count against us.
He carried on and on and then really lost his shit over it all. We couldn’t contain him and local area police were called in by passing motorists due to the commotion. Police arrived on the scene and quickly contacted Feros retirement village across the road for a kids size straight jacket.
Policed immediately advised us not to let him watch any more Donald Trump rallies or TV debates with Hiliary.
On a happier note Micks lab test results came in negative to the Byron Bay Ice addiction – an epidemic as shown on Ch.9’s A Current Affairs program last week and tests thankfully proved the only ice Coach Mick had plenty of in his system was the slurpee frozen water variety laced with red cordial. Heavy shit- have you ever received a brain freeze from one of those suckers, they can be temporarily lethal !
Anyway he was released from Feros soon after he got his legal dosage of red cordial and lollies.
Our Pig hearts go out to you coach and we didn’t let it take the gloss off our on field heroics nor Isaac’s wonder goal.
We’ll be back to scratch it up a notch next week when we-Porks take on Wii Unfit in Round 2.
That’s a Pork Wrap.