Once again the Bangalow rain couldn’t keep itself away from a Porks match. It was, of course a Thursday night – one of the greatest nights of the week at this time of year.
The Porks welcomed the opportunity to perform in the rain for the main event. It was in front of a packed Bangalow Bowlo Pavilion which was bursting at the seams. Beer,food and a chance to see The Porks trot their stuff – it doesn’t get any better or drier than this !
Leading into tonight’s game we’d had 3 losses on the trot which were games we had to lose just to bring us Porks down to earth from the lofty heights of pig heaven. It was somewhat similar to having ” the recession we had to have ” as Paul Keating famously once said.
We didn’t know much about our opposition & we didn’t care but I’m guessing they knew plenty about The Porks. The only way they wouldn’t have known about us would be if they’d been living underground in Coober Pedy or in a mine shaft somewhere in Broken Hill.Anyway they’d soon find out that we’re a bunch of good lookin’ blokes with a combined age of around 570 who are nearly totally void of skill & are second season veterans of the Summer 6’s, – in it for the fitness & social benefits Re: laughing at ourselves, social drinking and BBQ’s & Bonfires at team mate Craig’s place. I won’t give out your address Craig as others may be watching and/or listening in.
Most importantly our attacking & defensive innovations are groundbreaking in the footballing / soccer World. I mean does anyone do a better Pork Curtain ( defensive wall ) or Pork Roll ( attacking scrum ) than The Porks ?! I think not -actually I know not !!! Anyway that’s old news.
Our game started off well and we maintained our defensive line quite well as it remained nil-all for the first 30seconds. An achievement in itself. Nah actually we were pretty chuffed to be still level after 15mins,meaning we’d played pretty damn well thus far. Even more so was the fact that we’d produced a great length of the field attacking move which went through at least 16 pairs of feet ( equal to 8 sets of Pork pig trotters ) before Craig passed it to our former goal keeper – “the Hof” Craig HusseyHof ( first full game on field ) who smashed the life outta that ball from sorta close range only for it to hit the crossbar & ( supposedly ) bounce out. Of course we all reckon it landed behind the line before bouncing out ! We didn’t say anything but we’d just hoped it had gone in. Still nil-all.
It wasn’t long before the Budgie Smugglers clicked into gear and it ended 3 or 4 nil at the halftime break. The Porks had played well because in the past 2 games against Goats & Kaos it was 7 & 9 nil at the interval respectively.
As the rain came down again our usual knowledge of wet weather tactics totally disappeared & so did our defence. The Budgies Smugglers ran riot scoring goals nearly at will. Poor ol’ Gav Angus Kennedy Burden was like Robinson Crusoe or maybe even Tom Hanks in the movie “Castaway” as we’d left him so often back there standing “cold & alone” in goals due to our Pork Curtain defence all up on the attack. He had to battle it out with the budgies attack by himself and a few times he was outstanding & disabled their machine single handedly. Unfortunately other times It didn’t look pretty from where we were all standing ( miles from the goalmouth ).
In our keepers own words “
I was cold and alone in the goal mouth like the last duck in the pond at the end of a rifle club hunting trip “. Well said Keeper ! Maybe we’ll try helping you out a bit more next time, maybe….
Anyway on with the show……
The Porks highlights reel during this match may be a tad short but it will have some glorious footage after some outstanding team lead up work where we eventually offered up the ball to Brent “Wild Boar” Pork who absolutely blasted the leather off the ball from 20yards out & like an Exocet missile found its mark in the top right hand corner of the net. Their keeper had no chance whatsoever. Gooooooaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllll. For a brief moment we started to celebrate “human like” with outstretched arms raised to the footballing Gods thanking them for allowing this goal to happen after some earlier chances & plenty of near misses in previous games. We quickly came to our senses & hit the deck for our famous celebratory goal Pork Truffle which stunned the opposition team moreso than the goal itself. It was a huge moment, like a massive weight had been lifted off our shoulders and shackles removed from our trotter boots – to finally score again, what jubilation,what relief !
It may’ve been the turning point where we pile on a few more goals & make more of a contest of it but it wasn’t to be. It did however seem to be the point where our opposition forgot their manners & must’ve mistaken us Porks Pigs & the scoreline for another animal team like the highly skilled champion Goats for example. For some reason they began trying to claim possession of every throw in,corner kick etc etc that was blatantly not theirs to claim.
The Budgie Smugglers scored many great team & individual goals with some stylish footwork & accurate passing to break down our tired defensive structure or lack thereof. Congrats to them. The score ended 13-1 in their favour.
To the Porks – well done again fellas, another successful night out on the paddock, footloose fancy & injury free. We celebrated with our Zeps buddies on field then back to the Bowlo Pavillion to sample more sponsored Nectar of the Coopers Gods & chomp on some food delights.
“Cold and Alone & 13-1 down” will now be the name of the new AC/DC song that they’ve decided to record during their Aussie tour. They thought we were an inspirational bunch of Pork blokes & they enjoyed our game.
That’s a Pork Wrap !