After months of negotiations & “above the Table” deals going on between The Porks management & the FFA ( Football Federation Australia ) we allowed the Socceroos to play their World Cup Qualifier in Canberra against Kyrgyzstan at the same time as our game against The Monyets FC (8pm) – ( don’t worry Porks our Piggy Bank is full again ).
If their crowd numbers / gate takings were down the FFA could immediately point the finger at Porks supporters for having stayed in Bangalow to support their small town hero’s instead of hitting the highway south to the Politicians backyard to support the National team. We could always have a chook raffle to cover any of their financial losses – that’s how it’s done at Grass Roots level.
There was no way we were going to let the Socceroos take our field no. 7 in Bangalow & let us Porks head to the Nations capital instead. I mean really – would we be in with a shot of beating Kyrgyzstan ??? ( no it’s not Borat’s team ).
On with the show ….
After 4 weeks of torrid encounters we now faced another opponent worthy of playing The Porks.
Having totalled up the goals leaked in our past 4 matches = 61, which in fact is a similar number to the amount of times ambulance officers checked Ace’s pulse for signs of life during epic scenes at the recent Melbourne Cup Races at Flemington.
We allowed our opponents to kick off knowing that they’d soon give up possession to the Porks.
Them giving up possession took longer than we’d anticipated & we had to work hard to get it but eventually it happened when we “threatened to put pressure on them”.There was a certain spring in our trotters tonight that had been missing in recent weeks maybe even years.Maybe something in the Bangalow water was helping us along,maybe it was knowing that the socceroos were also playing many miles away ?
Whatever it was it helped us put in a standout performance in the first few minutes keeping the scores level.It was nearly worthy of a live television audience. We were really playing out of our Pork skins & it was quite a spectacle.
It wouldn’t surprise me if ASADA (Doping Agency) came knocking on our Porks clubhouse ready to take stool samples for testing. While I’m there I might ask em’ for a job – I mean I’m sorta qualified as I often have to pick up the family dogs turds. One thing’s for sure though we can no longer rely on what the Russian Olympic teams doctors told us to do to prepare for Summer 6’s games.We’ll now have to go it alone.
It may’ve been about the 10th minute when Monyets scored their 1st goal. Soon after they got their 2nd. They had some good attacking moves that baffled us at times but luckily our keeper GavShaneBrettTimAngus did exceptionally well at throwing himself to the ground & around the goalmouth waving his arms about like he was swatting flies in the OutBack. He also did a great job using his feet & torso to block anything that resembled a ball heading into our net.
We too surged forward into their half to harass their defence & keeper. A few times their keeper had to put down his newspaper & focus on the game. One such time was when we took it to them down the right wing & I was able to cross the ball into their goalmouth with enough venom that the keeper could only parry the ball out for a corner.
Wild Boar Brent was able to keep the scoreboard ticking over with a brilliant goal from the corner kick. It had plenty of speed on it & took a sweet deflection off their defender which left their keeper scrambling & clutching at thin air. It was a beautiful night to Pork Truffle !
The scoreline read 2-1 to Monyets FC. Brent went from hero to villain soon after as he was yellow carded ( Porks 1st ever yellow card ) for an indiscretion – over use of the shoulder. He just got a bit excited & wanted the ball back in his possession. While he was off for 2mins & us a man down,we let another goal in & the score at halftime was 3-1 to Monyets.
Our halftime pep talk didn’t involve any mid strength Coopers this time – it was all air & water for our refreshments.
The Second half.
As we began to tire the Monyets began to fire,sinking a couple goals in quick succession.
We had to rally our Pork troops quick smart if we were to save this match from being another “whitewash”.
So with some quick player interchange we seemed to step it up a notch. We created some chances but weren’t successful, our finishing was letting us down but we weren’t done with just yet. One Pork we just couldn’t keep out of the play ( though the ref did ) was Brent Wild Boar Wayling.He had a hand in one of our 3 pronged attacks moments earlier which involved Dan the Man Burden. But this time Brent’s input was vital from the left side of the field as he offloaded to Craig “Thief in the night” who was positioned in the centre. Craig’s pass to me was crucial, it was perfectly timed and directed as I ran from halfway ( luckily these are small fields ) to control the ball & briefly hold up play & let the keeper make his move – he chose to throw himself to the deck & spread out like a puffer fish trying to protect all parts of the net. As the keeper seemed to be diving/falling in slow motion I was able to slot the ball precisely under his huge frame to register our second goal of the night.It was such a well constructed team goal that we could’ve been mistaken for being construction workers ( not the Village People type of construction worker ) -“not that there’s anything wrong with that ! ” – as Seinfeld famously once said, But the footballing type of construction worker.
That 2nd Porks goal sent shivers down our opponents spines & sent us to the canvas to celebrate in style with our Pork Truffle.It was the first time this season that we’d performed 2 truffles in the one game. For me it was a huge moment to have scored for the Porks, to be on their honour roll.
Monyets FC never fully gave up control of the match & ended up scoring 3 more goals, easy ones & flashy ones. They were a pretty good team & seemed like a good bunch of blokes. They won the game 8-2. One of their blokes scored a hattrick I think.
As for the Porks – not drinking beer at halftime was probably a good thing though we may head down that fluid pathway in a future match again.
We played outstanding at times & it was easily up there within the top 3 performances of our 2 season careers.
As Angus Pork Lord said after the match – ” while standing on the sideline he was no longer sure that we were the same Porks players that he’d played with in previous weeks.
I guess Angus that after a grand total of 15 games together there have been some vast improvements in our style of play ( not that there’s any style in what we do ). But definitely tonight our backs stood tall & put in a big effort to keep the score down below double figures. Isaac,Dan Duncan, Ace, Colin & the high flying Mat can give themselves a pat on the back & a scratch on the arse.
Great Effort Porks.
Also a big wrap to the ladies/wives of Kiss my Pass & Iron Maidens for an outstanding, entertaining close tussle. Well done to all.
That’s a Pork Wrap.