The Pork Report. Game 9.16

Spit listening in on Pork strategy

Game 9 Summer 6’s 2016

The Porks v Cobber Johns
Field 2 @ 7pm
Finals 8th December

Tonight’s Finals match was assigned to the hallowed turf that is Bangalow Sporting Pavilion Field no.2. The MCG eat ya heart out.


Our opposition were also in a Pink playing strip possibly trying to put us off our game. We saw it as Imitation being the sincerest form of Flattery.
It was definitely the Battle of two Pinks that would’ve made the Glenn McGrath Foundation very proud (sorry no affiliation) ! Porks are Pink so I grabbed green singlet tops from the canteen & handed them to a very co-operative Cobber Johns team whom I must say looked splendid in green singlets over pink jerseys.

We had Babe leading our cheer squad together with many of our wives who’d played an exciting game just before us. The Pork Rotisserie was looking healthier than the 4 previous weeks with 3 Subs & BackHeel coming from work near Brisbane -surely the “Men in Blue” would give him a Police escort to our game !?

With WildBoar & HusseyHof out ,we were in need of fresh Pork blood in goals. Being Goal Keeper wasn’t a position easily filled. So once again the Pork Lord became our saviour -he rose above this “team of Hogs” & took on the vacant Keepers role.


We kicked off running from North to South with a slight breeze supporting us. Not surprisingly we found out early that Cobber Johns were not new to the round ball game easily swiping possession & firing at close range. Our Lord was up to the task.
From our first two goal kicks the Pork Lord’s knowledge of the Do’s & Don’ts of the Keepers role were tested. It wasn’t long afterwards that his athletic ability was under pressure again with a well directed powerful shot rifled about shin height. The Pork Lords reaction time was impeccable, leopard pig like, incredibly swift & “right on the money”, no fumbling. We knew then that this Half Pig Half Man Pork Lord was safe in goals.

In the oppositions danger zone Slash Ace got the better of a Cobber Johns possession scramble & whipped out a shot at goals. Now Soccer/Football is generally not referred to as a game of Inches but with regards to Aces shot then yes we’ll say it is. The ball swung & hit the left upright but deflected out. If only the Posts were sitting a couple inches left then the ball woulda clipped the inside post & gone in !!! But it wasn’t to be.

The Sultan took aim & shot at goals but it was blocked by Cobber Johns backside.
The Thief was in fine form using his reliable head & sturdy physique to win the contest for the ball when challenged. Slash Ace DHSniper received the ball again up near the sideline but could’ve brought it much closer to goals. No Cobbers were in cooeeee of him but no Porks yelled that information to him. His shot went wide this time.

Piggy Bancks was safe as a Piggy Bank in defence & you could hear the Pork Passion flowing from Bancksy’s voice while waiting on the Subs Rotisserie.  Honey Baked Ham had been sorely missed of late & his tradesman like performances were again on show-he was the “everywhere Pork” digging in & giving em’ heaps just like the Bearded Pig of Borneo.

In a 1981 Slim Dusty’s song – he wrote
I love to have a beer with Duncan / I love to have a beer with Dunc. / We drink in moderation / And we never ever ever get rollin’ drunk… ” – But the way DuncHam played tonight we could very well get Rollin’ Drunk. Duncham was solid as ever & his “throw ins” perfectly taken.

BackHeel finally arrived to be “ringside” & ready for action. It’d been a hectic, tough first half of soccer. The Porks had done exceptionally well to keep an even scoreline as the Cobber Johns were a talented bunch. Just as we thought we’d done enough to go to the break & celebrate a nil-all scoreline, the Cobber Johns stepped it up a notch and scored. It was a painful goal to have let in as it was just 10 secs from the halftime break.

1-0 Cobber Johns. 


We had a positive tactical chat about our game plans that lasted 20seconds- Coach Mick was exhausted.


Cobber Johns came out firing with a definite game plan because within seconds of their kick-off they had a shot at goals. Then soon again using the wind they had another crack at scoring but missed.

Brains – The first Goal scorer of the whole Summer 6’s this season due to his 7 secs wonder-strike again broke free & blazed a trail up the left flank. Little did he know because none of us told him ( & being called “Brains” doesn’t mean you’ve got eyes in the back of your head )  that the opposition were in another postcode & therefore had enough time to drag the ball a whole lot closer to bamboozle their keeper. Unfortunately Brains rushed his shot & it was saved.

In another moment of attacking madness The Sultan was able to swing away of would-be tacklers & with only 1 defender plus the Keeper to beat I decided to have a crack at goals. It came off my trotter sweetly & flew like a rocket, straight into the top right corner,Well, no it didn’t ……., but it would’ve had it gone off to the left by 20cm. I stood like a Pork statue disappointingly watching the ball fly miles out of the stadium.

A week earlier Craig The-If was outta action due to a bulging disc in his back. But now with Bionic implants the nearly 6 million dollar man was inspired by the Pork Lords overhead scissor kick & so The-If decided to get some attention of his own by trying his version of it from 10 metres out which was achieved easily & on target but was safely taken by their keeper. The degree of difficultly was a few shades lighter than the Lords but The-If’s applause was long & loud, he definitely got some credits after that impressive aerial display & he was not concussed. Will someone else try an Overhead Scissor Kick next game ?
In another Porks raid Slash impersonated BackHeel by using his heel to try to score but the keeper had it covered-just !

Kevin bloody Bacon, luckily for us was a mere shadow of his former self. He wasn’t wandering around hallucinating on “The Field of Dreams” but at times it did seem like he was from a Mission not on a mission. At least he wasn’t getting in his team-mates way. He knew his way around the paddock but that may’ve been the Pork flashbacks of the final game of last season on this very same field when he scored 2 magnificent goals. While tonight he didn’t score he looked fit enough to dance because he had “Moves Like Jagger” though it may’ve helped us more if he had skills like “Maradona” & not the fat old “Peruvian dancing dust” loving Maradona but the younger Argentinian soccer freak version. Anyway Pork wishes are free on The Field of Dreams.

Piggy Bancks busted out his usual barging running style knocking over players as he went. From the halfway line he began & eventually got tangled up with their keeper & somehow miraculously produced a shot from 5 feet out which hit the crossbar & bounced back onto his head-it looked rehearsed.Unfortunately this time the ball flew over the crossbar & out.

In another skillful move up into Porks territory the Cobber Johns laid the foundations for some creativity that basically defied Porks soccer logic. They used their speed,skill and team mates to score – making it 2-0.

In another instance -survival mode was needed by our keeper The Pork Lord as he was steam rolled by their large forward. Our Lord rose again & continued his impressive toe punting goal kicks. A Cobber Johns player scored their 3rd goal purely from classy individual play, speedily weaving through a few Porks defenders then belting the “leather” like it deserved it ,it took a feint layer of paint off my outstretched trotter studs as it zoomed straight into our goals-    even the great Pork Lord was left stranded.

3-0 Cobber Johns.

The “ball snicko-metre” registered the shaving off my studs on it trajectory to goals so it’ll go down as an own goal much to the dismay of the Cobber Johns player.

From our goalmouth the Pork Lord saw Slash pushing upfield towards Cobber Johns danger-zone so he decided he’d call upon his Under 13’s  1500m National Champion (fact) speed to motor up past BackHeel who was also there in support. It was now a case of 3 on 1 but regrettably Slash didn’t know who BackHeel was nor did he see the dashing Pork Lord, so the pass was not forthcoming. Cobber Johns then magically turned defence into attack & the race was on for Pork Lord to retreat back into our goals. All Porks defenders saw the fragility of our fortress & quickly sealed the entrance like the Little Pig shutting out the big bad Wolf from his brick house. Then yada yada yada ,blah blah blah and the Ref called time, Game Over.


Cobber Johns 3-0

It’s great that we’ve finally perfected the “throw in” without lifting our trotters off the ground or doing foul throws of any kind. Also our kickoffs are being done correctly-take a bow Porks it’s only taken 3 seasons. Once again tonight’s game was played in the bright Pink spirit & everyone was happy.

Afterwards we went on to enjoy the sights,sounds,scents & tastes our Sponsor the Bowlo had to offer until closing. The impromptu outdoor floor show was amazing.

That’s a Pork Wrap.
The Sultan.

The Pork Report. Game 8.16


The HusseyHof….what’s on tv ?

Game 8 Summer 6’s 2016

The Porks v Bangalona FC
Field 7 @ 7 pm
C Grade Finals Time !


Praying for Mud Cakes.
Plenty of Sore muscles & Definite Lack of Talent.

Babe was out with Miss Piggy so his Alter Ego, Pork Knuckle was on deck to support his beloved Porks & he brought with him our Bowlo Sponsored “Liquid Gold Nectar of the Pork Gods” for the Team to suckle on after the match.

The Zeps were sideline & in fine voice supporting their Pork mates.
The Pork Rotisserie was in need of a boost for the 4th week in a row – leaving us with just 2 Subs.


Our Keeper Wild Boars clever plan of a 1-3-1 player formation worked a treat against a very handy mobile pack of skillful young blokes for the first 10mins. We Porks are not the fittest nor the most intelligent of Soccer creatures but we should implement the 1-3-1 structure again next game as it best suits our uncompromising style of “Getting in the Way” of the opposition as much as possible. Having a Pig up front serves us well just in case the unexpected happens & we are within 5 feet of the oppositions large Fish Net Stocking covered Goal Posts.

Slash Ace Double Hammy Sniper was that lone figure up front as his fitness was still a far cry of what it coulda been had he not been the target of a Zeps attack in game 3. Slashes injury is as big as the story that created it & rumours circulating are that it could almost “out talk” it’s Host. Also News has come to hand that the so-called injury is now big enough to be wearing Chris Hamsworth’s hand-me-down clothes (fact) & now looks good enough to be his body double. Wow the injury has taken on a life of it’s own – much like a goiter !

Confused ……good,because so am I. Back to the show……

With Bangalona FC doing all the fancy footwork stuff & making the impossible look easy we knew the time would cometh ( at the 11th minute mark ) that they would break through our chunky Pork defences & execute a fine finish to lead 1-0. Brains did his best to outwit their forwards but there were too many of them. Brains called for backup from BackHeel & The Pork Lord. Our defence was now as strong as the Germans WW1&2 Ziegfried Line !

Oh no, Keeping them out again 7 minutes later was a major task, too big for our backline.

It was 2-0 soon thereafter.

Now it was time to stem the flow & take back some Pork pride – which we did a few minutes later…….

There were 3 Porks involved in an amazing passage of play, the crowd & all the Zeps in attendance were screaming for the finish that the lead up work deserved. The skill involved was very ‘UnPork like’. One may’ve been excused for having dastardly thoughts that there were Goats in Porks clothing for those fleeting skillful moments. The final pass came to BackHeel in an attacking position ,the uneasy bounce of the ball meant a difficult volley-kick option could be adopted or a less attractive standard kick. Naturally as Porks do BackHeel went for glory with the Volley shot but unfortunately it didn’t quite go to plan or to Foot. BackHeels Air Swing was of the highest quality. The knowledgable crowd roared with appreciation despite the hilarious outcome as they know good lead-up work when they see it. They may’ve even learned something !!!

The Pork Lord, instead of kicking the ball did a karate kick & missed then stealthily put on a karate chopping display all the way to the sideline to be subbed off. It musta been pretty hard taking his position on the field after that kind of exit. The crowd of curious onlookers loved it.

Slash had a few shots at goals as did a handful of other Porks but we failed to dent their net. Our next important moment came after we’d again strung a few passes together & Husseyhof was the recipient in front of Goals only to be brought down by an illegal slide tackle. With the Crowd of Zeps & everyone calling for the freekick -it was given. I yelled for Dan Beckham to step up & do what his name sake does best – “Bend it like Beckham”. Hesitant at first, Dan saw the opportunity to put the Porks on the board as there were visible leaks in Bangalona’s Goal line defensive wall ( it was no Pork Curtain that’s for sure ). I joined Bangalona’s defensive wall to pick up the scraps if needed but it wasn’t necessary as Beckham perfectly curled the ball into the bottom left corner beating their hapless efforts !!!!


Porks Truffle like it’s 1999.
2-1 against a strong side & against an even stronger northerly wind which in the second half might be our secret weapon & saviour.


The Porks were pretty happy with their first half efforts keeping the scores at 2-1 down. We talked about how important the wind factor would be & also about marking their forwards with correct positioning of our defenders.

2ND HALF 2-1 Bangalona FC

Porks Kickoff.

As the whistle blew to start the second half I passed the ball directly out wide to an unmarked HusseyHof who using The Pork Force knew exactly what was expected of him – a superb first touch strike of the ball, on target. It took the opposition by surprise & a few Porks too I reckon. The ball flew just inches over the crossbar. It was very well struck by The Hoff & commented on by the opposition.
That shot at goals was the first of many in the second half.

Dan Beckham belted one or two shots but were stopped. The Sultan also struck the ball on target but it didn’t test their keeper. That seemed to be the main problem with our shots – they were all hit too directly at their keeper. He never really had to stretch too far.

Some nice attacking throw-ins by Huss to me in Bangalona’s goalmouth weren’t headed home well enough. I should’ve done better at least with one attempt.
Pork Lord had a great shot at goals from about the halfway line & if it wasn’t for Ace’s Goiter back-heading the ball it may’ve gone all the way in straight off The Lords boot.

Slash Aces run down the sideline was terrific, he thought he was his own racehorse (PigHorse) galloping at high speeds. He’d created himself enough space but it was just a shame Slash failed to negotiate the slight right hand turn towards goals & he went down like the Bangalow Sniper had struck again. Slash made his way to the sideline but had proved to all that when he’s fit he’ll be a Pork to be reckoned with!

There’s always next year……

While we’d been having fun & watching the opposition “school” us in all aspects that make up a complete soccer player they’d actually scored 3 more goals with relative ease. Wild Boar took the opportunity to crunch a few of their players when they seriously contested the ball with him.

Words from Wild Boar relating to the final stages of the match & The Pork Lord………

It was a moment that all that witnessed will never forget. It was outrageous, enthusiastic, overzealous, completely unnecessary and unrealistic in it chances of even coming close to scoring let alone connecting. But when that ball lofted in the air, back to goal, there was only one option. What would Pele do? Maradonna? Cahill?

With 3minutes to go and in the oppositions half the ball was put skyward near the Pork Lord. Despite being next to the sideline “in no-mans land” he decided now was the appropriate time to perform the most difficult of kicks known in the World game – an overhead scissor kick ( bicycle kick ). Pork Lord took it upon himself as if he were Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. He launched himself up up up and using “mind control” spun himself upside down in a ridiculous position & actually timed his meeting with the ball sorta well as he got a touch on it with both feet independently. It was incredible.

As they say “What goes up must come down” & he did come down very well considering the 10/10 for difficulty. He sat there dazed. With the help of a Bangalona player who pulled Pork Lord up,he was a bit off balance & he danced a wee stumble over the sideline where he remained til well after the game finished. Wow it may not have been meaningful but it certainly was memorable !

It’ll go down in Porks History as one of those Magical Moments in Time and talked about as a “Where were you when the Pork Lord went upside down…………….?
The final 180 seconds were mostly spent still clapping our 52yr young Sporting Hero but little did we know ( or he know ) that The Pork Lord was concussed. For possibly 30mins Angus was in Porks Fairy Land. Luckily he did snap out of it.


5-1 Win To Bangalona FC.
But after tonight’s performance the words from the 1970’s band “Hot Chocolate” seem to ring true. Everyone’s a Winner, Baby, That’s the Truth (Yes, the Truth) !

Kevin Bacon turned up to celebrate straight after the final whistle blew.

I have it on good authority that 1 of the Bangalona players had in previous seasons been voted player of the tournament, maybe even twice. He also made the Team of the Tournament etc etc so it’s good to know that the Porks were needed to showcase their lack of skills against one of the Greats of the Game ! The Match was played in great spirit & everyone had fun. The Bowlo was the place to be after the match !

The Sultan says…..
That’s a Pork Wrap !

The Pork Report. Game 7.16


Game 7 Summer 6’s 2016

The Porks v The Mighty Boots
Field 8 @ 7pm

Fat from The Pork PenTHouse

Pork may soon be the new Caviar after World Pork Prices rose substantially due to our 2 goal feast against the talented Goats recently.

In Other Porks News

Porks mascot Babe had a recent Dinner date with Celebrity Legend Miss Piggy but it went Pig Shaped after  Babe Pigheadedly said he’d rather be “Driving Miss Daisy” because Miss Piggy allegedly blurted to the Porkarazzi that Babes Signature Chicken dish was actually Fish ! Babes natural response was “It’s not a Tuna,it’s not a Tuna”!


Anyway……..Babe made it to The Field Of Dreams to support The Porks & drew a crowd of kids like the “Pied Piper”. They’d come from far & wide to get high 5’s & a Photo. Babes’ Celebrity status will now Trump Donald Ducks’ as the most popular Character in a suit.

The cornerstone of our recent success in this, our “Season Of Clarity” among other things is our ability to bring on fresh Pig Legs through the Pork Rotisserie. But for the 3rd week running our Subs bench was as nearly as empty as a pub with no beer!!!


Wild Boar took first Watch – in goals. After 5 minutes things were looking pretty good at nil all. Though just like in recent weeks the opposition who were roughly half our age, half our looks,twice as fast & at least 3 times more talented started to kick into gear. Also, in a matter of seconds the Return of the Awe inspiring Kevin Bacon showed that in the off season soccer was not on his mind at all.

Backheel said it best re: KB’s return to the field – “it was like he was on a first date tonight…lips and arms all over the place.”

The 1st goal scorer was our very own Dan BeckHam who put it perfectly off his boot into our own Goal.

1-0 Mighty Boots.

The 2nd goal scorer was BeckHam who like a man possessed seeking redemption equalled the ledger by way of Hussey putting an awkward ball somewhere near the goals and Dan Beckham polished the Turd of a pass and put it in their net.
GGGGggggoooooaaaaalllllll ( WBoar )

1 – 1

And Pork Truffle celebration time. 1-1 was now the score & it was game on Piggies !!! Play resumed & once again The Porks weren’t comfortable with the scoreline & so  HusseyHoff much like last week (where BackHeel inspired Duncham) the Hoff was inspired by BeckHams 1st own goal and decided to put his own goal stamp on the match by slotting the ball past Wild Boar to record another goal for the Mighty Boots.

2-1 Boots.

After some too-ing & fro-ing in this see-sawing ding dong battle it was again time for HusseyHof to rattle the goal net in a positive manner for The Porks.
The lead up work was outstanding from Dan BeckHam & he returned the favour with a perfectly placed cross to HusseyHof who for the first time Ever Finally popped his own cherry by kicking the ball into the top of the Mighty Boots goal net. GGGGggoooooaaaaalllll to The Hof. Porks Truffle mania celebration again.

It was now 2-2.

Wild Boar’s long boot goal kicking was met by an opposition header way too many times. But in some other spectacular highlights from the match….. The DuncHam- just like last week when he thought he was a Pork Tank – This time he was going forward and aiming at goals but rather getting closer to the corner post than to their netted Goals. DuncHam’s plan to score a goal within a 5 year time frame remains exactly that – a Plan.


Although all 4 goals were scored by the Porks, only 2 were celebrated with a Pork Truffle.

Wild Boar’s thoughts on the first half scoring…….. Both the Porks goals were scored as redemption for own goals. All 4 goals scored were brilliant. The Porks two were exceptional and may never have been scored without the drive and desperation to atone the common but filthiest of Pork fouls – The dreaded own goal.


The HusseyHof had taken up residence in goals & Wild Boar was now breathing fire & putting muscle into the Porks on field. He definitely fired up once he stretched the trotters out on field. During his half game stint in goals he noticed who’d been using some argy bargy & it was time for some payback. Wild Boar knocked over their chief playmaker, who seemed to get a bit upset…….! BackHeel actually connected with the ball in real BackHeel fashion. Something that’s been missing from his game for quite some time. It’s all about timing he reckons.

Babe was still looking fantastic on the sideline & creating a tangible atmosphere all on his own.

Craig the Thief -The-If was back on deck after a couple games away. While “living the dream” he was obviously training everyday so come game time he was trying to thieve a goal using his head- something that made him famous in Porks colours.

Setting up the Pork Curtain with a gap between my legs only to get nutted and the deflection scored our 5th goal ( their 5th goal ) – was the Icing Pork Crackle on the cake !!!
( Brains )

FULLTIME – 5-2 Winners Mighty Boots.

Porks Post Match Comments…

While I didn’t score an own goal, I’m pretty sure I single handedly obstructed more than one pork about to score a goal. I live to give… ( Kevin Bloody Bacon ).

Last Thursday night proved we are not just content scoring our own goals, we’ll give a handful away! What an effort. Great to see some creativity from the opposition in a Truffle homage. Nice work boys. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

For mine Hussy’s own goal was the goal of the night, like Gallipoli it should never be forgotten and commemorated yearly with a Dawn Service. ( BackHeel )

5-2 final score.. I think we scored a couple in the second half too even though our score stayed the same as the first half….. ( Brains )

It’s the Season to be Jolly and our generosity in scoring some own goals to help The Mighty Boots was definitely in the Pork Spirit of things. Gee we’re lucky the crowds don’t expect to be treated to such wonderful footballing skills each week otherwise by now they’d probably be better players than us !

Anyway…….as I’ve heard……. “Sport is for those that are brave enough to play, smart enough to understand the game but dumb enough to think it’s important”.
So I’m not quite sure where that leaves Us Porks.
But If the Pork is right then Chew it.

Porks Goals scored Update.

Game 1 Brains 1
Game 3 Slash 1
Game 3 The Sultan 1
Game 4 Wild Boar 1
Game 4 Dan Beckham 1
Game 6 The Sultan 2
Game 7 Dan Beckham 1
Game 7 HusseyHof 1
Game 8 ………………?

Own Goals Scored

Game 7 Dan Beckham 1
Game 7 HusseyHof  1
Game 7 Brains 1  ?

Thanks Team Pork for your combined literary contributions.

That’s a PORK WRAP !!!

The Pork Report. Game 6.16

Pork Wall

Missed by that much

Slash gives The Hoff a go

Game 6 Summer 6’s 2016

The Porks v The Goats
Field 5 @ 6pm – 17 November.

Battle of the Barnyard Animals.

A 14-0 flogging last year at the hooves of the Goats was motivation enough to dig in a solid Pork performance or at least reduce the margin substantially. That alone would be counted as a Porks Victory by us.

Playing on Field 5  – the site of our first win this season was another motivating factor. Our usual crowd were here tonight, all awaiting the arrival of Babe the Porks mascot. Our Pork Rotisserie would be running on the smell of an muddy rag as we had 2 Subs which later would end up being just 1. Slash Double Hammy Sniper was still injured but Pigged Up like the Pork we know he is. He was in goals for the first half.


It didn’t take long for the Porks to lose possession, it’s something we expect and literally have no control over. In next to no time we realised we were in a spot of bother against the Goats. They were showing off their speed & talents then produced a goal ” like a chicken laying an egg “, it just happened from seemingly nowhere. The only touch Slash got on the egg was when he pulled it from the back of his net.

1 nil to the Goats.

The Porks then began shepherding the goats around the paddock. Tracking their every move. All of a sudden we’d become Goat Herders !! The Porks maintained some possession for the first time then like a pig on heat I beat a Goats player & found myself in open space albeit just inside their half of the field.It was as if The Pig Gods had parted the field like Moses did with the Red Sea. Either that or I smelt like the Pig Truck that drives through Bangalow & the Goats  just cleared the path for me. Nevertheless Pork instinct took over & really without much further ado I unleashed a terrifying left kick roughly waist high that went like a missile straight toward the young keeper, it bounced in front of him & went into the right side netting. He was statue-like.

We couldn’t believe it, we dropped to Mother Earth for an almighty Truffle – one that we never thought would happen playing the highly fancied Goats. Now incredibly it was 1-1 after 5mins against the former Summer 6’s overall Champions. Shit just got serious, the Hooves were Off ! We’d upped the ante against the Goats & they went kinda berserk ‘Gina Rinehart’ style- The Porks & Goats were now playing for Sheep & Cattle stations.

It didn’t take long for the Goats to hit straight back. 2-1 Goats. Slash Double Hammy Sniper was fairly immobile in goals due to the weight of the 7 shin pads protecting his injury. It looked like a moon boot full of concrete. Words of encouragement from his son Coach Mick were strong enough to keep him upright & in goals. Any other Pork would’ve shat themselves in the bushes.
During a crazy scramble in our goalmouth I desperately tried clearing the ball but Back Heels speed beat me to it & he gifted a perfectly timed & weighted ball to a Goats player right in front of goals to score. It was an early Goats Christmas present, so good it seemed like it came from the footballing Gods themselves. Goats 3-1.

On nearly every Goats attacking raid Brains was as cunning as a fox when it came to dispossessing the biggest quickest guy on their team. The footwork was fancy & very deceiving but Brains stood his ground & watched the ball like a hawk not flinching when the guy danced about. This new found skill won Brains the ball nearly every time. Brains beat Brawn time & time again. Wild Boar said after the match it was like Indiana Jones where Indiana faces the swordsman who wields his weapons ferociously just so Indiana can withdraw his gun & shoot him. Epic scenes Brains.

The Porks again beautifully made their way up field into an attacking position. Then either through Piggy Bancks or Back Heel it was nicely passed to Wild Boar who accurately passed it to Husseyhof. The Hof took aim but was nudged as he kicked the ball sending it just wide of the posts. It was pure footballing magic from the Porks and unlucky not to get a better result. The opposition did chew through our Goat proof De-Fence a few more times to score before the Half Time whistle blew.  7-1 to the Goats.


There was excitement in the Porks camp after having made the Goats watch The Porks Truffle during that half. Slash was nearly reduced to crocodile tears after succumbing to that injury & being yanked from the Keepers spot by his son Mick the Coach. Subsequently The Porks Subs bench was reduced to just 1 for the final 25minutes and Wild Boar was our new keeper.


The Porks started well and Duncham turned himself into a Pork tank & made a barging run upfield leaving 3 Goats floundering in his wake.Unfortunately their goalmouth was not his destination. The Goats soon turned defence into attack and peppered our goalmouth with an array of shots fired from both close range & further afield. Wild Boar was deflecting everything that moved. At least 3 times the ball incredibly ricocheted off Porks & Goats bodies but he saved them all – it was like a scene from The WHO’s “Pinball Wizard” with Wild Boar playing Roger Doultry. He had Goats balls flying everywhere. It was Wild Boar at his best.
Soon the Goats did score again- Duncham wanted to clear the ball but somehow tried a variation on Back Heels first half pass which landed in the lap of a Goats player who made no mistake with his shot at goals.

For a fleeting moment we thought there may be some inter-animal relations taking place. Until now The Goats were definitely having problems breaking down The Porks backline in this 2nd half as only 1 goal had been scored. Piggy Bancks & The Hof were solid, getting in the way at every opportunity. Brains was still in control & Back Heel & Duncham joined The Sultan in sticking their trotters in places the Goats didn’t want them to be.

We too gave them some grief in their defensive line with Wild Boars mighty trotter unleashing accurate power from goal kicks. One such kick needed just a glancing header which I the Sultan just failed by an inch to connect with. It was a certainty as it nearly went in straight from Wild Boars boot. Another time their keeper ( Brains’ mate ) the big guy with Braun who liked to venture out of goals copped a goal kick that caught him off guard- I was right in his face to get the ball rebounding off his chest but I could just put a toe to it rather than a full boot -which he saved.
Finally some luck came The Sultans way from their throw in. A Goat lobbed a big long throw  infield towards a teammate which I anticipated & chased like a “Pig in the park chasing a frisbee” & launched head first at the ball. I connected cleanly and sent it goal bound but their keeper had raced back there in time only to see me coming at him causing him to take his eyes off the ball & fumble the simplest of saves ! GGGGGoooooooaaaaaalllllll

The Pork Truffle was again in full swing & the crowd went mental like a gaggle of Geese.  Even Babe ran onto the Field Of Dreams High 5-ing me. Oh what a feeling……. The Goats scored their 2nd goal of the half making it a 9-2 scoreline.


Congratulations to The Goats for the win & for their terrific Sportsmanship throughout our match.

Tonight The Porks were again shown how to play……..But we weren’t too concerned with the loss because we scored 2 goals & we know that Form is Temporary but Class is Permanent !!!

Afterwards The Bowlo was a great place to celebrate the match & watch other games.

That’s a Pork Wrap !!!

The Pork Report. Game 5.16

Porks 4 Life

Game 5 Summer 6’s 2016

The Porks v Brown Eyes
8pm Field 10.

Tonight the heat was stifling and so was the opposition.

We thought the Rivals were our opposition but they were ejected after round 2 of the competition for being very silly boys. Brown Eyes took their spot featuring the one and only Mitch Hutchinson -nephew of the greatest referee to ever pull on a pair of Porks socks – Mr. H.

The Porks had 8 players for tonight’s match meaning just 2 subs to help leave a mark on some Brown Eyes.The ex Premier League players were young enough to be our piglets.Having only 1 sub on their bench didn’t bother them.

Our supporters were a little thin on the ground but we had injured players Piggy Bancks and Slash Ace assisting Babe our mascot as our cheer squad. The 3 were capable of creating enough noise to drown out an Air Guitar concert.


The Porks had possession from our kick off for at least 5 seconds which was a pretty good achievement. It didn’t take long to see that we were up against possibly
the best side we’ve encountered since our humble beginnings. Our usual Pig solid defence was no match for their attack & some of their shots at goals left Keeper Wild Boar grasping at thin air. The score was 0-0 after 5 mins then the flood gates opened the likes of which not even a pig wearing a suit & cape could contain. It was 3 nil in next to no time.

The Porks Rotisserie was in full swing. Coach Mick immediately turned to our Sports Bible – aptly named Porks Ball Sports for Pigs & Dummies – and flicked through to Rule no.750 Which States “when you’re playing a team this good this Bible has absolutely no answers, so Good luck,you’re on your own” ! So with that Mick left us & went straight for the red lollies & Red Slushie at the Bowlo.

We did what we could when we could and that amounted to not very much but skidding around chasing Brown Eyes. It was a task in itself just marking Brown Eyes as they were light footed and sometimes you thought you had to cover 3 players when actually it was just one guy moving around you exceptionally fast.
We heard them calling for the ball, heard them letting their team mates know if they had time on the ball etc. Even with this information it was extremely hard to stop them.

Watching a team of quality players putting through pin point accurate passes the length of the field & seeing one touch control was something The Porks might not quite master before taking up residency at nearby Feros Village. Brown Eyes were just running through us like a bad case of diarrhea. The Porks luckily had their moments & found range numerous times from the boot of Dan Beckham and others but either their keeper was up to the task or we kicked wide.

Brown Eyes liked Back Heel so much they decided to spend half their shots on goals using the Back Heel technique & I must say they were very good at it. Nearly scoring.
The opposition found another gear and scored again from a corner kick. It was a magnificent volley belted by Mitch Hucho who unfortunately was left unmarked at the back of our goalmouth.
Mr. H blew the whistle for half time.


5-0 Brown Eyes.
We knew it wasn’t a battle that we could win but it was now about limiting the on field damage & having respect in the Porks jersey.
HusseyHof in goals & Wild Boar on field were our only changes.


Brown Eyes kicked off.

We were not comfortable seeing 5 or 6 players ( their keeper would come out to play also ) constantly running full tilt towards our goals like we weren’t there. But it was difficult to stop them.
When they decided to pass the ball around it became a high level game of “Piggy in the Middle”.
The Porks did have possession plenty of times even if only briefly. Wild Boar had an almighty crack at goals from deep in our own half while their keeper was on field galavanting about. It went very very close to target but no bacon. Duncham was again solid when called upon to take it to their keeper but his 5 year plan is still in tact. Honey Baked Ham was trying to dominate the halves for The Porks but everytime the ball came his way instant pressure was applied by Brown Eyes as if they were scared of what he may do with some quality possession.
The Sultan’s header on target was a good one but not good enough to foil the keeper. Brains also had an outstanding top shelf crack at goals from 15 metres out that hit the crossbar. The only bummer was that the ball Brains kicked came from another game. At least the crowd of 9 were up on their feet jumping around.

At our end of the field HusseyHof was having a running battle with Mitch H. which was exciting. HusseyHof was diving about putting his body on the line for The Porks trying to keep the scoreline respectable. He did well letting in just 3 goals.
As Rocky Balboa may’ve said in Rocky 5  – “it’s not how hard you hit but how hard you can be hit & still come forward”. This kinda character building & downright refusal to give in gave the Porks some much needed balance that they’ll search for & find in future games – namely the next one against The Goats.


8-0 win to Brown Eyes.
There were no skid marks left behind tonight. The Porks gave it their all & The Porks of yester Year probably would’ve gone down by 20. BOG ( Best On Ground ) went to everyone on both sides for never giving up, having a laugh and for playing within the Spirit of the Game.

When is a loss not a loss ? When it’s an education and that’s exactly what tonight’s game was all about for The Porks. The full esky was very much loved after the match. At about 9pm Thursday night the Bangalow Tourist Board was inundated with phone calls from all the worlds leading scientists wanting to see what is believed to be the shapes of 8 Pigs wearing boots ,all half buried into Bangalows red soil out there on The Field of Dreams.

The 8 pig shapes were the result of The Porks crashing down to earth from the lofty heights of their Pink Cloud 9 after last weeks historic 2 nil victory. While some may say we landed with a thud after the pig-hiding we copped at the feet of ol’ Brown eyes tonight. We say …….

“Welcome back Porks” !

And that’s exactly what was said to us when we entered the Bowlo. The Zeps brought along  Chris Lagan’s mate Jimoen for the ride. Fun was had by all til they closed the doors behind us – again.

Thats a Pork Wrap.