Game 8 Summer 6’s 2016
The Porks v Bangalona FC
Field 7 @ 7 pm
C Grade Finals Time !
PRE-GAME VIBE ….
Praying for Mud Cakes.
Plenty of Sore muscles & Definite Lack of Talent.
Babe was out with Miss Piggy so his Alter Ego, Pork Knuckle was on deck to support his beloved Porks & he brought with him our Bowlo Sponsored “Liquid Gold Nectar of the Pork Gods” for the Team to suckle on after the match.
The Zeps were sideline & in fine voice supporting their Pork mates.
The Pork Rotisserie was in need of a boost for the 4th week in a row – leaving us with just 2 Subs.
Our Keeper Wild Boars clever plan of a 1-3-1 player formation worked a treat against a very handy mobile pack of skillful young blokes for the first 10mins. We Porks are not the fittest nor the most intelligent of Soccer creatures but we should implement the 1-3-1 structure again next game as it best suits our uncompromising style of “Getting in the Way” of the opposition as much as possible. Having a Pig up front serves us well just in case the unexpected happens & we are within 5 feet of the oppositions large Fish Net Stocking covered Goal Posts.
Slash Ace Double Hammy Sniper was that lone figure up front as his fitness was still a far cry of what it coulda been had he not been the target of a Zeps attack in game 3. Slashes injury is as big as the story that created it & rumours circulating are that it could almost “out talk” it’s Host. Also News has come to hand that the so-called injury is now big enough to be wearing Chris Hamsworth’s hand-me-down clothes (fact) & now looks good enough to be his body double. Wow the injury has taken on a life of it’s own – much like a goiter !
Confused ……good,because so am I. Back to the show……
With Bangalona FC doing all the fancy footwork stuff & making the impossible look easy we knew the time would cometh ( at the 11th minute mark ) that they would break through our chunky Pork defences & execute a fine finish to lead 1-0. Brains did his best to outwit their forwards but there were too many of them. Brains called for backup from BackHeel & The Pork Lord. Our defence was now as strong as the Germans WW1&2 Ziegfried Line !
Oh no, Keeping them out again 7 minutes later was a major task, too big for our backline.
It was 2-0 soon thereafter.
Now it was time to stem the flow & take back some Pork pride – which we did a few minutes later…….
There were 3 Porks involved in an amazing passage of play, the crowd & all the Zeps in attendance were screaming for the finish that the lead up work deserved. The skill involved was very ‘UnPork like’. One may’ve been excused for having dastardly thoughts that there were Goats in Porks clothing for those fleeting skillful moments. The final pass came to BackHeel in an attacking position ,the uneasy bounce of the ball meant a difficult volley-kick option could be adopted or a less attractive standard kick. Naturally as Porks do BackHeel went for glory with the Volley shot but unfortunately it didn’t quite go to plan or to Foot. BackHeels Air Swing was of the highest quality. The knowledgable crowd roared with appreciation despite the hilarious outcome as they know good lead-up work when they see it. They may’ve even learned something !!!
The Pork Lord, instead of kicking the ball did a karate kick & missed then stealthily put on a karate chopping display all the way to the sideline to be subbed off. It musta been pretty hard taking his position on the field after that kind of exit. The crowd of curious onlookers loved it.
Slash had a few shots at goals as did a handful of other Porks but we failed to dent their net. Our next important moment came after we’d again strung a few passes together & Husseyhof was the recipient in front of Goals only to be brought down by an illegal slide tackle. With the Crowd of Zeps & everyone calling for the freekick -it was given. I yelled for Dan Beckham to step up & do what his name sake does best – “Bend it like Beckham”. Hesitant at first, Dan saw the opportunity to put the Porks on the board as there were visible leaks in Bangalona’s Goal line defensive wall ( it was no Pork Curtain that’s for sure ). I joined Bangalona’s defensive wall to pick up the scraps if needed but it wasn’t necessary as Beckham perfectly curled the ball into the bottom left corner beating their hapless efforts !!!!
Porks Truffle like it’s 1999.
2-1 against a strong side & against an even stronger northerly wind which in the second half might be our secret weapon & saviour.
The Porks were pretty happy with their first half efforts keeping the scores at 2-1 down. We talked about how important the wind factor would be & also about marking their forwards with correct positioning of our defenders.
2ND HALF 2-1 Bangalona FC
As the whistle blew to start the second half I passed the ball directly out wide to an unmarked HusseyHof who using The Pork Force knew exactly what was expected of him – a superb first touch strike of the ball, on target. It took the opposition by surprise & a few Porks too I reckon. The ball flew just inches over the crossbar. It was very well struck by The Hoff & commented on by the opposition.
That shot at goals was the first of many in the second half.
Dan Beckham belted one or two shots but were stopped. The Sultan also struck the ball on target but it didn’t test their keeper. That seemed to be the main problem with our shots – they were all hit too directly at their keeper. He never really had to stretch too far.
Some nice attacking throw-ins by Huss to me in Bangalona’s goalmouth weren’t headed home well enough. I should’ve done better at least with one attempt.
Pork Lord had a great shot at goals from about the halfway line & if it wasn’t for Ace’s Goiter back-heading the ball it may’ve gone all the way in straight off The Lords boot.
Slash Aces run down the sideline was terrific, he thought he was his own racehorse (PigHorse) galloping at high speeds. He’d created himself enough space but it was just a shame Slash failed to negotiate the slight right hand turn towards goals & he went down like the Bangalow Sniper had struck again. Slash made his way to the sideline but had proved to all that when he’s fit he’ll be a Pork to be reckoned with!
There’s always next year……
While we’d been having fun & watching the opposition “school” us in all aspects that make up a complete soccer player they’d actually scored 3 more goals with relative ease. Wild Boar took the opportunity to crunch a few of their players when they seriously contested the ball with him.
Words from Wild Boar relating to the final stages of the match & The Pork Lord………
It was a moment that all that witnessed will never forget. It was outrageous, enthusiastic, overzealous, completely unnecessary and unrealistic in it chances of even coming close to scoring let alone connecting. But when that ball lofted in the air, back to goal, there was only one option. What would Pele do? Maradonna? Cahill?
With 3minutes to go and in the oppositions half the ball was put skyward near the Pork Lord. Despite being next to the sideline “in no-mans land” he decided now was the appropriate time to perform the most difficult of kicks known in the World game – an overhead scissor kick ( bicycle kick ). Pork Lord took it upon himself as if he were Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. He launched himself up up up and using “mind control” spun himself upside down in a ridiculous position & actually timed his meeting with the ball sorta well as he got a touch on it with both feet independently. It was incredible.
As they say “What goes up must come down” & he did come down very well considering the 10/10 for difficulty. He sat there dazed. With the help of a Bangalona player who pulled Pork Lord up,he was a bit off balance & he danced a wee stumble over the sideline where he remained til well after the game finished. Wow it may not have been meaningful but it certainly was memorable !
It’ll go down in Porks History as one of those Magical Moments in Time and talked about as a “Where were you when the Pork Lord went upside down…………….?
The final 180 seconds were mostly spent still clapping our 52yr young Sporting Hero but little did we know ( or he know ) that The Pork Lord was concussed. For possibly 30mins Angus was in Porks Fairy Land. Luckily he did snap out of it.
5-1 Win To Bangalona FC.
But after tonight’s performance the words from the 1970’s band “Hot Chocolate” seem to ring true. Everyone’s a Winner, Baby, That’s the Truth (Yes, the Truth) !
Kevin Bacon turned up to celebrate straight after the final whistle blew.
I have it on good authority that 1 of the Bangalona players had in previous seasons been voted player of the tournament, maybe even twice. He also made the Team of the Tournament etc etc so it’s good to know that the Porks were needed to showcase their lack of skills against one of the Greats of the Game ! The Match was played in great spirit & everyone had fun. The Bowlo was the place to be after the match !
The Sultan says…..
That’s a Pork Wrap !